Thursday, December 30, 2010


It is 1:30am. I can't sleep. I am oddly stressed out about something but I can't pinpoint what it is.

I hear K breathing on the monitor. I hear her moving. I want to go pick her up and cuddle and rock her. But I don't want to wake her. I was out wine tasting all day today and got home just in time for bedtime. I missed her.

I don't feel good right now. Sick, not hungover, sore throat and nauseous and hot. Yuck.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Old Life vs New Life

Yesterday I went to the city to hang with the little girl I used to nanny for. She's 12 now. Whoa. Anyway, we went out to a fab lunch in SF and then headed to the Zoo.

Hanging with her made me realize how much I miss her. I miss the boy too but yesterday was about her. She's going through a tough time, 8th grade is a rough year. Her friends decided that they hate her. It is obviously because she is adorable. I miss her.

Part of me wants my old job back. I miss hanging with the kiddos. I miss homeowrk time. I miss running around with them. I miss treking them around town to their million extracurricular acitivities.

At the end of the night I dropped her at her mom's. We all had dinner. KiKi on the table munching on a french fry - so she wouldn't steal anyone else's food - and eating a puree that I had brought her. It seems like K was there the whole time. She just fits right in. Everything thing else was the same. Their mom is still a mess. It makes me sad. She is still living in a woe is me world. I was there no less than 3 minutes and she was crying. Granted if I got a $45,000 tax bill I'd be crying too but it just goes back to the fact that nothing has changed for them.

I am sad.

I am sad their mom is a complete mess.
I am sad I can't protect them from her.
I am sad they feel they have to take care of her.
I am sad that they can't take care of her.
I am sad they have to listen to her say things like, "I don't even like whiskey, I am just drinking it because I got xxxx today and I need to drink myself to oblivion." or "I just want to be done with this life and start over again." or "When does it all end?"

Mostly I am sad that I don't live in the city anymore and I can't be their escape. Looking back now, I realized how much different and better it was for them while I was there. I took part of the issues on for their mom. I fixed problems. I was the scheduler of all schedulers. She didn't have to worry about her kids. She knew I would fix whatever might happen. She knew that I would take good care of them. When she got home they would have their chores and homework done. There was a bite of peace in her life knowing that her kids were taken care of. It was a part of her life she didn't have to worry about.

Now she doesn't know that. They don't even have a nanny anymore. Their kids are too young to be taking city buses home from school. The girl doesn't even know how her brother gets home from school.

I feel selfish for not moving back to the city and taking my job back when I know it would fix so much for them. I know I could bring K to work. I know that their home life with their mom would be so much better, not perfect, but way better. She's been in a really dark place since I left, two years ago. I can't help but think some of that is my fault.

But the reality is that I can't have K around that kind of attitude all day. She is crazy. She lies. She lives in a land of sadness. I don't want K to be around that kind of attitude all the time.

So my New Year Resolution is to get to the kids more often, at least every other month. I can get them from school, take them out for an old tradition of Ice Cream Friday, bring them to their house, do homework with them and restore a little bit about the normalcy that their life once had. That is a good balance between exposing K to the insanity but still getting to be a part of my old life and still offering the kids a good time.

Friday, December 17, 2010


The older K gets, the easier certain things become.

Napping is one of these things.

She now takes naps without breastfeeding first. AND she naps for two hours. Two times a day. Sometimes she sneaks in another nap around 4 for about an hour.

She is also sleeping through the night, 7pm to 7am. Sometimes, occasionally, very rarely, she wakes up between 12 and 2 to be topped off. Sometimes she whines herself back to sleep and doesn't need to be topped off.

Life is so good right now.

Why, oh why, would I want to go back to the days of no sleeping with a newborn again?

Timm still wants to start trying when K is a year. That's three months away. Truthfully, I don't miss the newborn stage. I mean, K doesn't sleep on me anymore and she isn't as cuddly as she is always on the move - don't get too excited, still no crawling but she can scoot and roll like nobody's business. Those are the only things I miss.

But there is something to be said as your baby gets older and napping gets easier.

My house is clean.
I actually have time for myself again. I have been reading - something NOT baby related!
I have been running during naptime.
I can take a shower without being interrupted by a crying baby. I can take a long shower.
There is a slight schedule to her day, not implemented by me, so the predicatiblity helps me for running errands, babysitters, and me time.

I don't know if I can go back to the time of newbornness. It is hard. I cried a lot. I had never been so happy in my life though. But everyday gets a little better.

So call me selfish, but this napping schedule keeps me sane and happy. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. This is so true in my house.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


We just got back from Disneyland last week. What a great time!

On the Nemo ride.

First taste of ice cream deliciousness.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

9 Months in Pictures

Goodness, she is adorable.

9 Months Old!

Gotta do the monthly pose. I so love these. I am so going to love having these when I put them all in her 12 month photo album.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

9 Months

Today the Kikimonster is 9 months old.


The next doc appt she goes to will be her one year appt. Seriously?! I have to find a place to have her birthday party!

I am sad and excited and so lucky.

I am sad she is growing so fast.
I am excited for all that she is going to learn in the next three months.
I am lucky that I have been able to stay home with her this year.

She went to the doc last week and she is a whopping 14lbs, 12oz. She is 26 1/4 inch long - though, I wonder how accurate this is really, since she was 25.5 inches at her last appt, three months ago. She's an itty-bitty thing, exactly we why her call her "bitty" for her nickname, she's a bitty baby. She is only in the 7th percentile, her little baby BMI is barely normal. Something I am concerned about but the doc isn't.

Her eating has gotten so much better in the past couple weeks. We haven't been so scared to let her try new things lately. It has been fun to give her little bites of what we eat. While we were in Disneyland she tried french fries and ice cream. Though she probably won't get to have ice cream again until her birthday.

Recently she has tried and loved!
french fries
ice cream - she cried when dad was eating it but not sharing.
couscous with homemade pasta sauce
asparagus rissoto
grilled chicken
shredded cheese
cream of wheat
7 layer bean dip

Recently she has tried and hasn't liked (but we aren't giving up yet!):
plain refried beans
zuchinni and bananas - which is funny because she used to really like this.

She claps up a storm - when you say, "yay!" or "clap, clap, clap." She even makes noise with her little hands.
She waves hi. We're working on hi, not bye-bye because my grandma said she is going to say bye-bye next and I just don't want her to be right and be able to say, "oh, I KNEW! she was going to say bye-bye next." Though when she does say it, I am sure my grandma will say that anyway, sigh.
She says, 'dog' and 'cat' and 'mama' and 'dada.' It is awesome. Usually she says dog twice, "dogdog!" I am sure this is because she is really a genius child and knows we have two dogs, ha!
She is also rolling back to belly and trying to move around on her belly but then gets lazy and rolls to whatever toy she wants.

9 Month pictures to come.

Friday, December 3, 2010


Today was a big day in Kikiland.

She started rolling back to front. What? "Blasphemy!" you say. But no, it really happened. Over and over again. It is as if she has been doing it her whole life. This really proves that she probably could do it all along and just didn't want to. It only took her 8.5 months. Weird kid.

She says 4 words. 4. Where the hell has my baby gone?

Dada. She said "dada" one morning at 4am. HAHA. I rolled over and said, "your baby is calling you." I then proceeded to roll over and go back to sleep. Best moment in a long time.

Mama - although, she only calls for me when she is really angry. Like when I have to pee and she has to be alone for the whole minute it takes me to pee. Sigh.

Dog. She started saying dog randomly. She doesn't say it all the time. And I can never get it on video. But when she does it is so cute.

Cat. She looks at the cat and says, "ca!" It is adorable.

My little girl is growing up.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Countdown is Complete!

The day after Thanksgiving we went to get our Christmas Tree. Gotta love Kringles Korner for carrying the Silver Tip trees. They're my fave.

We went with my aunt, my mom, my mom's boyfriend, and of course the three of us. Good times.

My mom always gets a HUGE tree. She has super tall ceilings. So her tree is impressive. Pics to come.

I couldn't possibly show you how tall their tree is. Not yet. So you get the tree bottom.

This is our fabulous tree. With the KiKimonster peeking out from behind it.
Sidenote - none of the trees from Oregon had been delivered yet, so there were lots of empty rows of trees.

Timm walked all the way over to go get the tree carrier thing. And then didn't even use it. The tree is only as tall has he is. It isn't like it is heavy.

Family Pic with the Tree!

We had to do it. The cheesey family portrait infront of the tree, complete with a fire in the fireplace.

This is the best tree Timm and I have ever made. It is so sparkley and fabulous. There are about a bajillion ornaments on it. Timm and my aunt were making fun of me, "there isn't any room left on the tree for more ornaments."

"Where are you going to put that one?"

But now that they have seen it all put together they aren't making fun anymore. They love it. When my aunt brings her friends over she has to show it off, which is annoying and flattering all at the same time.