Friday, April 30, 2010

I cuss a lot.

Consider the title a warning.

I hate my new post partum body. I look disgusting. I worked out five days last week, I ate very well. And I gained a fucking pound. This is just ridiculous. All I could do was look at the scale and think, "are you shitting me?"

No, the scale was not shitting me.


So here I am. I have another 15 fucking pounds of pregnancy weight to lose. Everyone says, "breastfeed and the weight will fall off."

They're all fucking liars. I hate them all.

I haven't lost weight in three goddamn weeks.

I have the most disgusting belly on the planet - it is huge and full of stretchmarks.

I am 25 years old and I will probably never wear a bikini again. That's sad. I will never have my old body back. And that body wasn't even that great. But it was a hell of a lot better than having a flap in the front, still looking 20 weeks pregnant, and looking like I went to Africa on a safari on foot and got in the way of some lions.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look in the mirror and cry. I am at a loss. I can't accept this to be the new me.

6 weeks post partum is supposed to be a magical time. I was supposed to feel like a new person. I feel shitty. I look shitty too. So I guess that works out.

I am still wearing maternity clothes because I am such a fatty. I am pissed.

And here's the worst part. I am a horrible mom.
If I would have known that this was going to happen to me. I would never have had a baby. I am glad that we have the little Kikimonster. She's adorable and a fairly easy baby.

I can't wait to go all the fun family stuff with her like -
put her in the river for the first time.
put her on the four wheelers.
take her to Disneyland.
teach her to ride a two wheel bike.
teach her ABCs and 123s in English and Spanish.
take her to get her first manicure and pedicure.
or for her to start talking and telling us all about her day at school or daycare.

So it is a really great thing that nobody knew I was going to look ugly, fat, and ridiculous for the rest of my life. I wouldn't trade her for my old body back but I sure do feel shitty about how I look.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

5.5 weeks Post Partum and I still have a belly.

Today is my 6 week post partum appointment.

Good lord, I hope I get clearence to resume my normal life. You know working out, lifting more than 8 pounds at a time. This is getting ridiculous. I am not allowed to do anything.

Not being able to work out has been the worst. I look like shit. My stomach is a flabby ball of ... well flab? Anyway, it is really disgusting. I don't change my clothes in front of Timm because it is horribly embarrassing and really, I don't want to look at me so why would he?

Everything about the end of pregnancy is gross...the blood, the stretchmarks, the flab, the stitches, the incision site, the steri-strips coming off. The only thing good is the baby...obviously.

But I look disgusting. Everytime I look in the mirror I cry. I don't even want to see myself naked. And hopefully today I will be able to be proactive about it, instead of just complaining about it. Quite honestly, I am sick of people telling me, "you just had a baby, it is ok to still have a belly." Um, nope. Pretty much sure it isn't.

Funny convo with my alcoholic, ex-drug dealer, still pot smoker uncle -

Him: Who are K's godparents?
Me: She doesn't have any.
Him: Why?
Me: We aren't religious.
Him: It doesn't matter. She should be baptised.

Really? HAHAHAHA! We're not baptising her. But this coming from an alcoholic, ex-drug dealer is pretty hilarious.

Look how big the Kikimonster is getting?! Whoa!